I waited until the last possible moment to book my tickets. I wavered on the thought that traveling with my you for 10+ days could destroy the something we had. We’ve never really had a relationship outside our required commitment to each other as family. I’ve always loved you, but because I was taught to. I’ve always wanted less hierarchy, but I didn’t know how to ask it because we were taught to respect our elders, which meant never talking back and just bowing to their commands.
i knew this trip would be important. i knew in order to learn more about the translucent layers in me, i had to get to know you. your dna runs deep in me. i knew it would not be easy. i knew there was a chance your snoring would keep me up at night. i knew i would be predisposed to reacting un-emphatically with the side-effect of a living with historically faulty lenses. i knew there would be times i would want to yell at you. i knew i would hear you vocalize what you were thinking when you looked through your lens. i knew there would be times i would just want to tell you to “Stop”. i knew there would be room for special moments. I knew that we could re-write history and muscle memories, one second at a time.
and so we go.
i learned how to hold my tongue. i learned how to hear you. i learned how to listen deeper. i learned that my choices do not make sense to you, that they are unexplored parts of your universe you haven’t conceptualized. i’ve learned that we will continue living very strikingly different lifestyles, wanting very different things, but that our experiences will always be unique to us. i’ve learned to increase my tolerance of listening to your unsolicited advice because it makes you happy to say it and because it means you care. i have learned to tell you if your words or actions are hurting me. I’ve learned that being an immigrant to the US was not actually the better path for you, but in your sacrifice, it gave me and Ange something far greater.
you have given me the chance to live a life that is joyful. you have given me just enough material comfort that i could live a life that leans towards non-attachment. You have created a strong, loving, independent woman. Make that 2 strong, loving, independent women.
as much as i love you, i am ready to come home to my unscheduled, attempting and always failing to be scheduled life.
thank you for not judging the dress and all the whisky i bought.